8 Signs of Anxious Attachment

Relationships are not straightforward. Attachment theory says that our relationship with primary caregivers (our parents, in most cases) as children shapes the way we bond and interact with our romantic partners as adults. It's only one factor in the way we navigate relationships, but an important one. 

If you’ve explored attachment theory, you will know that secure attachment is the ideal type of bonding.

But many people have a less-than-ideal attachment style. One of those styles is ambivalent (or anxious) attachment. Adults with anxious attachment fear their loved one will leave them and, because of this, need constant reassurance and closeness with their partner.

This might sound like all of us at some point. Everyone has felt insecure in a relationship or felt the need for validation. And everyone is anxious sometimes. But the differences between sometimes being anxious and having an anxious attachment style are glaring.  

So, how do you know if anxious attachment rules your relationships? Here are eight signs to look out for. 

1. You overthink your partner’s motives or statements

A key sign of anxious attachment is you assume that your partner’s motives are the worst-case scenario. They might say something benign to you, such as, “I want to live somewhere quiet.” Because you have an anxious attachment, you assume this is code for living anywhere that you aren’t because you’re too noisy or too attached to big-city living. 

Anytime you find yourself overthinking, it’s best to step away and ask yourself if you’re being realistic. Often, you’re catastrophizing and would feel much better if you asked your partner what they meant by a statement rather than jumping to conclusions on your own. Jumping to conclusions can lead to fights if you let yourself take misunderstandings to heart.

2. You assume they’re going to leave you

People with an anxious attachment style assume everyone they’re involved with will abandon them eventually—it’s just a matter of time. Abandonment can be physical or emotional. You fear that a partner will walk away from the relationship, but you also worry they’ll stop loving you or confess that they never loved you in the first place.

If you find yourself doubting your partner’s devotion, no matter how much they’ve said they’re committed to or love you, it can indicate anxious attachment.

3. You crave reassurance

You want your significant other to remind you of their devotion, all the time. But you also need them to make reassuring statements about your intelligence, abilities and unique skills. In other words, you want to know why this person loves you, and you need to feel constantly appreciated by them. 

A person with anxious attachment hopes and craves to hear why their partner chose them above other people, and why they are the stronger pick. They need to know that they stand out compared to other “available” people.

If you have a secure attachment style, you already will feel “good enough.” You won’t need your partner to remind you why you’re awesome. However, those with anxious attachment second guess their worth in relationships and need to feel reassured frequently. 

4. Your relationships are generally quick and intense

People with anxious attachments might have a history of hot-and-heavy relationships that quickly fizzle out. Because you tend to form (and lose) connections quicker than others, you may notice that you don’t have a history of long relationships.

What’s happening here is known as the anxious-avoidant push and pull in relationships. Someone with an anxious attachment style typically will attract people with an avoidant style— generally, these are the types who will push away as soon as you get too close and committed. Anxious-avoidant relationships don’t usually last long and are based more on passion and a shared longing for balance than real-life factors. Each type wants to have what the other has in terms of intimacy. 

5. You go through emotional roller coasters in dating

Because people with anxious attachments tend to jump to conclusions, emotional rollercoasters about how they perceive or engage with their partners aren’t uncommon. Anxiously attached people often find themselves in relationships that are characterized by many highs and lows. 

Ups and downs or on-and-off relationships are a common pattern. This happens for various reasons, but mainly because an anxiously attached person feels insecure in their relationship. With insecurity comes intense emotions such as jealousy, sadness or anger, depending on the event that triggered the emotion. 

6. You struggle to set and maintain boundaries

If you have anxious attachment, you likely struggle to set boundaries. Your fear that you’ll push away your partner if you stand up for yourself, and this causes you to “people please” rather than seek your own happiness. This is problematic because, without healthy boundaries, you may find yourself taken advantage of. 

Even when you do set boundaries, you find them hard to keep up with. Because you’d rather make your partner happy, you bend the rules at your own expense—and again, find yourself taken advantage of or taken for granted.

7. You struggle to be alone, and make decisions alone

It isn’t uncommon for people with anxious attachments to jump from relationship to relationship because they don’t feel comfortable being alone. If you cannot remember the last time you took a hiatus from the dating world, it’s a sign you have an anxious attachment style.

This has several repercussions. The conundrum for people with anxious attachment is they struggle to trust others, but they also struggle to live their lives without others. Once they latch onto a partner, it becomes harder for them to make decisions without consulting the other person or placing too much emphasis on them when making decisions. Often, this means you’re prioritizing your partner above your own needs. 

For example, instead of choosing a job an hour away that would be beneficial to your career, you’re compelled to turn it down for a closer option after imagining everything that could go wrong with your relationship. You reach this decision even after your partner says they’d be fine with you commuting. 

8. You depend on your partner for happiness

A person with secure attachment will find happiness within themselves, but someone with anxious attachment often puts the onus of contentment on their partner. While you might not say outright that your partner is responsible for your happiness, you put so much importance on the relationship that you feel like your whole world is crumbling when something goes wrong. 

People with an anxious attachment style almost always tie their self-worth to their relationship. This means that when it fails or goes through difficult periods, they might feel a significant drop in self-esteem.