9 Signs of a Female Narcissist

What comes to mind when you hear the word “narcissist”? A male boss with an inflated ego, constantly seeking attention and admiration? The ex-boyfriend who did whatever he wanted but got angry and possessive whenever you so much as talked to another guy?

While these are common examples, not all narcissists are the same. And one type that can be hard to suss out is a female narcissist, as she may look quite different to the arrogant, bragging, conversation-hogging, boundary-ignoring stereotype you're used to.

To understand the difference, here are nine signs of a female narcissist.

1. They subtly assert their superiority

While male narcissists might hype their achievements and display arrogance through their knowledge and accomplishments, female narcissists can be more discreet in their self-aggrandizing. It isn’t uncommon for female narcissists to posit themselves as charming, caring and self-sacrificing to perpetuate their self-perception that they’re the best wife, mother or woman in their workplace, even though they care more about themselves than the people in their lives. 

For instance, while a male narcissist might say, “I'm the best salesman in the company,” a female narcissist might say, “I'm the glue that holds this team together.”

2. They position themselves as socially important 

While a male narcissist will project an aura of success, female narcissists want others to recognize them as important friends, acquaintances or neighbors. They might use manipulative tactics such as behaving kindly to someone’s face and then talking behind their back to win the favor and attention of others. Or, they might create a social clique and “shun” other people who don’t meet their standards. 

Female narcissists want to position themselves as a social elite or a “cut above.” They will seek relationships with people who can elevate their social position or reputation, and they may also donate to charities to make themselves look good.

To outsiders, it might appear as though these women really are caring individuals. Male narcissists have a harder time hiding their narcissistic traits for long.

3. They will use their femininity to deflect blame

Some female narcissists will use their femininity – stereotypically female emotional responses – to deflect blame. So instead of reacting with rage when confronted with their own bad behavior as a male narcissist might do, a female narcissist might cry.

What she's doing is leveraging old-school gender expectations, conforming to the expectation that she’s “weak,” “helpless” and “sensitive” to play the victim and manipulate someone into feeling their accusations were wrong.

4. They use quiet manipulation methods over aggressive ones

Almost all narcissists are master manipulators, but how that manifests varies. Male narcissists tend to use intimidation and threats to assert their dominance in an overt way. Female narcissists, on the other hand, might use more subtle techniques to make someone bend to their will. For example, they might use guilt or emotional manipulation to get what they want.

Female narcissists are masters at appealing to someone’s sympathy. For instance, they might manipulate their landlord into granting clemency for a month’s rent by saying they have a sick child or husband, or they might guilt-trip a coworker into doing their work for them by saying they’re overwhelmed and stressed.

5. They demand your attention and validation

Narcissists have an entitled attitude in general but female narcissists may be especially concerned with getting their emotional needs met. While a male narcissist wants a continual ego boost, the female narcissist seeks validation. She wants her friends and family to validate her feelings, beliefs and talents with little concern for other people’s needs. For example, she might demand her husband praise her for cooking dinner, or she might insist that her friends agree with her opinion on a controversial topic.

6.  They tend to have one-sided conversations

When you try to open up to a female narcissist, she won’t be very interested. She might pretend to listen to you but will swiftly circle back to talking about herself. Or, she’ll dominate the conversation, leaving little room for you to do anything but listen and agree, or else. 

If you’re conversing with a narcissist, you’ll walk away from the conversation feeling unheard. 

7. They’re incredibly jealous of other women

While male narcissists may have a possessive streak, female narcissists are known to be intensely jealous of others' achievements and successes – and they especially view other women as a threat. That's because they see other women as direct competition. Because female narcissists want to be the prettiest, most popular and most successful, they may display “queen bee” behavior in friend groups, dominating to keep the other women “in line.”

8. They project their insecurities as a form of gaslighting 

People with narcissistic traits often suffer from low self-esteem, which means they don’t take criticism well and won’t recognize their own faults. Because of this, it isn’t uncommon for the female narcissist to gaslight others by projecting her own insecurities onto them. 

For example, a female narcissist might berate their child or spouse for being “a slob” whenever they’re the ones who fail to keep a tidy house. 

9. They might be more passive-aggressive than male narcissists

Because most male narcissists lead with outward aggression, they aren’t necessarily as passive-aggressive. Female narcissists, on the other hand, are more subtle about their control. They might use tactics such as sarcasm, mind games and back-handed compliments to make people feel lesser-than. 

An example of this? A female narcissist might express her jealousy of a friend who received a prestigious promotion by saying, “That’s great, Jill. Moving up must be easy when you have the right connections.”

Final words

The main red flags for narcissistic personality traits are a sense of entitlement, controlling behavior, a lack of empathy and an inflated ego. But female narcissists display some subtle differences from male narcissists. Their behavior is more subtle, more cryptic and more about emotional game playing, and that can make them harder to identify. 

But make no mistake, female narcissists can be just as harmful and manipulative as their male counterparts. It’s important to recognize these behaviors and set boundaries in order to protect yourself from being manipulated by a female narcissist. Remember, you have the power to say no and stand up for yourself – never let a narcissist, male or female, make you feel like you are lesser or unworthy. Stay aware and trust your instincts. Your well-being is worth it.