Are You Using Personality Tests to Overdiagnose Your Relationship?

Personality tests can help you learn much about yourself and others. But what happens when you go from casually personality testing your date or significant other to overdoing it? Not only can you sabotage the relationship by looking into patterns too much, but if you place too much importance on personality test results, you might inhibit your growth as a couple. 

So, how do you know if you’re over-emphasizing personality tests in a relationship? You might call this habit “overdiagnosing” your relationship, and here’s why it can be problematic. 

How personality tests can help (or harm) a relationship

Whether you’re new to personality testing or a seasoned follower of the personal growth tool, you may find yourself looking for traits that align with your relationship dynamics. 

While proper ways to integrate personality tests into your relationship exist — such as taking note of date night ideas for an Introvert/Extravert couple, engaging in personality-based couple exercises or integrating dating strategies based on your personality type — you can cross the line if you put too much emphasis on personality tests. An example of a helpful way to use personality tests is to have your partner take a personality test and compare your own results. Then, look at how you differ and discuss what you can do together to bridge any gaps. 

But when does using personality tests in your relationship become too much?

A good rule of thumb is to avoid making assumptions about your partner and your relationship dynamic. For instance, if you presume your INFP partner is overthinking because they are quiet — a key habit INFP struggles with — you may be misreading them. This assumption could lead to an argument if your partner feels misunderstood or unseen. Instead of asking what they’re thinking, you’re projecting what you believe they’re feeling based on their personality test results.

Other examples of personality test overdose include feeling doomed about your compatibility because you have two Myers and Briggs types or zodiac signs that aren’t “compatible” — such as Taurus and Sagittarius, who have a low compatibility rating. Or, you may be pushing your significant other to work on their personal growth based on what their personality type results say are their weaknesses. 

Signs you’re using personality tests to overdiagnose your relationship

If you feel the need to take as many personality tests as possible to figure out what’s wrong with your relationship, there might be a problem. And if, aside from projecting your results on your relationship, you find yourself trying to change your significant other to fit the mold you think they should fit into, you may be heading down a rabbit hole. 

Here are some other signs you could be taking the results too far — and what you can do about it.

1: You’re constantly wondering about your personality type compatibility.

If your types aren’t compatible, you should rethink your relationship, right? This idea couldn’t be more wrong. While personality type theory does hint that some types are better suited to each other, like the famous INTP / INFJ Golden Pair, it isn’t a science. Only you and your partner will know if you’re compatible, a discovery that involves a lot of quality time and communication.

Assuming you aren’t getting along because of personality type compatibility might hint that you should focus on the real problems instead of finding a convenient answer.

If you’re worried you and your partner aren’t compatible, start with a conversation. Make a list of your values, as well as your similarities and differences. Discuss where you can both compromise if you wish to maintain a healthy relationship.

2: You use your partner’s results to explain their behavior toward you.

Yes, you might find a spark of truth when you’re reading about your partner’s personality type, but because their results appear to outline their behavior doesn’t mean it’s foolproof. You might find yourself continually telling them the “whys” behind their behaviors, which could make them resentful over time.

If, for example, your partner is an Enneagram Type 2 and you diagnose their critical nature toward you as them being in a mode of unhealthy disintegration, you may be missing the point entirely. They may be going through some other stressor (such as something as simple as a chronic lack of sleep), which may have nothing to do with Enneagram disintegration.

Instead of jumping to conclusions, sit your partner down and ask why they have been testy. You might be surprised at the answer and have a breakthrough heart-to-heart.

3: You push your partner to grow based on their personality test results — because this will “fix” what’s wrong in your relationship.

Wanting your partner to grow isn’t bad, but you might be delving into dangerous territory by assuming their personal growth journey will fix your relationship. For instance, if your partner is an Enneagram Type 5 and you tell them they need to stretch themselves to get outside their comfort zone for you to get along better, your significant other could begin dreading spending time with you. Growth is a process, not a sprint — and if your partner isn’t willing to try new things and this bothers you, it might have less to do with their personality type and more to do with conflicting personal interests.

Talk about where you see yourselves going and how you expect you can grow. 

How to stop making assumptions with personality testing

While it can be tempting to suss out what’s wrong with your relationship through personality testing, the best way forward is to avoid doing this. Personality testing can help you both learn more about yourselves and open up pathways of thoughtful communication, but you shouldn’t start making assumptions about your partner or relationship based on your results.

Think of your relationship as a puzzle that has no cheats. You can’t look up what’s wrong online and assume it’s true. The only way to diagnose your relationship is to make sure you are both open with each other. If you feel something is amiss, you may want to consider couple’s therapy, which would be much more beneficial than making guesses.

For the love of your relationship, take a step back! 

Personality testing is a great personal growth tool, but you should ensure it doesn’t create tension in your relationships. Like any theory, personality theory isn’t an exact science, and you could be doing more harm than good if you are using personality tests to overdiagnose your relationship. If you identify with any of this behavior, it might be time to take a break from personality tests — at least in your relationship. Think of the tests as personal growth tools, and remember, if you think your relationship needs help, you should go to the person who has more answers about their behavior than a test does — your partner.